Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Daily Diary 11/3/15: Social Anxiety

Hey guys! 
Today wasn't as memorable as yesterday, so I'm not going to do a full rundown of the day, like I did here. Instead, I wanted to talk about social anxiety and the fear of talking to strangers, meeting new people, and being judged. 

As long as I can remember, I've felt uncomfortable talking to new people. I like to think of it as a mild form of social anxiety, though I never got that diagnosed so I don't know if that's right or not. It wasn't crippling or debilitating, but it made life uncomfortable at some points. Having to rehearse what to say on a phone over, and over, and over before actually getting the nerve to call is not normal or healthy. These weren't even random people I was calling either! They were co-workers, doctors offices, schools. Very normal places to call. I read something the other day that really made me think about this, and if you follow me on Tumblr, you'll notice that I reblogged it too (btw if you're not following me on tumblr, you can do so here)

“And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.”

 This whole thing was everything that I needed to read for myself. I took a lot away from this, but the one thing that I loved the most was "you've got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won't matter in two years." I think that's what I was doing to myself and why I was so stressed out over unimportant things. I was so worried about coming off as stupid or dumb that I was stressing myself out about things that haven't even taken place yet, and I was spending my time worrying about interactions with people; criticizing what I was doing and saying, when the person I was talking to probably thought nothing of it. 

I've been trying to push myself more lately. I want to feel uncomfortable because that's when growth takes place. I went to the writing center at my college today because I needed to get some help on my english paper, and not once did I ever worry about sounding stupid. That sounds normal, but to me it wasn't. Usually, I would have been so focused on sounding intelligent that I wouldn't have gotten anything out of the meeting. I stayed present, brainstormed, and learned, and what if I sounded dumb? Who gives a damn! I learned, got my stuff done, and that's what's important. 

I think that in society, we put so much emphasis on us as individuals that we think people are looking at us closer than they actually are. People could care less about what you say and do, which is a sad reality, but also kind of freeing. Don't worry about things that are in the past or out of you're control. You'll feel so much lighter and happier. 
-Sisi

P.S. Have you seen yesterday's Daily Diary post? Check it out here!

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